Saturday, April 30, 2022

Setting boundaries inside out


The purposes of setting boundaries

Donna Wong

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Shared with Public
health care, self love,自愛、自重、自我的健康為依歸。沒有良好的内在健康界限,就不可能與外在保持健康界限。

1 内在的界限,把自己爱回来





我的最新體驗 Keys in sleep management


當我開始愛自己 ... 《愛自己系列》

On Self caring: 


This talk was given at a local TEDxSnoIsleLibraries event and produced independently of the TED Conferences. Sarri Gilman has found that clear boundaries enhance relationships and the quality of life. Sarri is author of “Transform Your Boundaries,” which she based on insights gleaned from decades of experience as a marriage and family therapist. She is the founder of two organizations that support the needs of children and teens facing homelessness. In both, she created partnerships and unique programs to increase the chances of success for youth in overwhelming circumstances.

People overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed out.

How to strengthen your boundary?

If you allow your compass and boundaries to take care of you, you mitigate stress

Stress is very serious issue. Setting boundaries helps us to reduce and prevent stress from accumulating.

setting boundaries is sweating, a brief stress but after it, you are relief.

The compass is to take care of you. Any way to improve self care?

Self care is a huge landscape - it is you you find happiness, companionship , balance, enjoyment, play, rest, how you treat yourself.

a Workaholics to a balanced therapist:

My compass to say NO for my wellbeing.

listening to our inner voice - self care - in meeting your challenges:

your family issues, confrontation, financial problems...dealing with addition issue

if your family has cancer, you need more care for yourself so that you can be stronger supporter in a long run for you and for them.

second, reach our, find resources for support, ask for help, go to class and therapist,

Third, to focus on choosing your responsibility and limiting your time during the challenges so that you have time to recover during a big challenges

Shut out, take more self care than anything else and you will find yourself going through life with less stress.



A lot of my dreams teach me to listen to my body voice and to take care of myself fully.



這就是一個典型沒有健康界限的例子,首先就是沒有health care 的自我健康管理,


然後是對別人的建議也不敢say No,自己的精力不夠,好還死頂,這是非常危險的。



2 外在的健康界限,把別人也愛回來

Setting boundary 健康界限


This video is shorter and teach us what is boundary and the purposes of setting boundaries:

List the things you need to set a boundary?

How to set it?

use clear I  statement to make not offensive

Learn to say no and ask for help if you are not sure people understand you

Co-dependency relationship damages health boundary, here see how parent can set a good example of healthy boundary"

Why are people always talking about healthy boundaries with friends, loved ones, family, and those struggling with addiction? Hear from Sober College Dr. Holly Daniels about boundaries, codependency, relationships and more.

Healthy boundaries are not about keeping people at bay but keep people in as well having healthy and authentic reciprocal relationship

We need to have firm and permeable way: 

You know what you want and need at your end but also want to enjoy the peak of relationships.

How to form health boundaries?

We all born in enmeshed and unboundaried state 

When we are first born, we are purposed entwined with our mothers ( 纏繞在一起)

Parenting examples:

to demonstrate healthy boundary a parent need as model for their kids:

To have a healthy, reciprocal relationship (建立健康互惠的關係)

A Too permeable, unhealth boundary, a little bit enmeshed , the child sadness, hurt and pain become their own pain. Then the parent becomes very angry, crying and lost control , not feeling stable.

They may drive the car to school and give a piece of their mind 

or say I can feel how pain it is for you and you can take whole next week off of school.

The parent is sucked in the 16 year old emotion experience. They cannot be calm and helpful. 

It not only makes the situation worse for the child but the child has no chance to learn how to incorporate with the experience of being with somebody with healthy boundary 

B Too firm and harsh

setting like a wall 

see her daughter cry, sand and angry.

But she just say oh, it will be OK, you should experience this as I had before or you should have nothing to complain about. Then she turns on TV again, ignoring her. 

So the child will be more angrier, sadder and has not chance to learn healthy boundary from their parents but be hurt again. They become more shamed or even afraid to show their emotion, to experience their emotion. The child may stuff away all emotion or become super emotional in order to get their parents heard above parents dysfunctions. 

In either case, it is hard for their child to tolerate their parents emotion, feeling helpless and may turn to drugs and alcohol, or unhealthy relationship, or eating disorder in order to deal with their own emotional discomfort. 

C empathetic way with space and trust as a self development 

this is not parent's hurt, this is the kid's hurt, so that the parent can stay calm, be supportive to their kid , expresses to their child they are sorry that this is this happened. And give them a hug and talk it out right給他們一個擁抱,好好談談.

I am here to listen to you. It is not my pain and I am OK. I can let you in and support you with hug and empathy. I feel for your pain and wound, setting an example of good healthy boundary.

why children become super emotional or become stuff all emotion away right in order to get herself heard above the parents dysfunction. Children cannot tolerate emotion and turn to addiction of drugs and alcohol, bad eating disorders in order to deal with their emotional discomfort. How to set healthy boundaries?

 a good boundary setting is based on communication and empathy to ourselves and to compassion to others. Good understanding between each other so that it will enhance healthy with permeable, harmony relationship.

soft resistant

passive aggressive, feeling guilt , don't want to feel discomfort 

Boundary building from loving selfless place, from hateful selfish place:

It is about where your heart is when you are enforcing them and setting those boundaries.

When you are say NO to them, they can feel that can care about them 

We should allow people to take advantage of us

Obstacles to set boundary:

Feeling guilt, scared and afraid of feeling mean

try to prevent themselves from being feeling discomfort

Secondary gain 


Setting boundary can be the most kindest thing for others and honest for ourselves

focus on intention on being kind loving and see other people need

Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and for our mental health. In this video, I describe what stops many people from setting healthy boundaries and outline one essential key to setting good boundaries. If you want to know how to improve your relationships, be able to say no, or take back your life and relationships, then learning how to set healthy boundaries is an essential skill for parents, lovers, friends, and workers.

A good boundary is based on commutation with compassion, empathy and connection 

How To Set Boundaries In A Close Relationship

1. Recognize Your Feelings

2. Recognize your partner’s feelings

3. Identify how your boundaries have been crossed

4. Communicate your boundaries to your partner

Donna Wong

9 mins 
Shared with Public

真正的健康界限,出發點是愛,是慈悲,是對自己負責任,對自己的尊重和愛。 當你説出自己的健康界限,如果別人感受到你的背後的愛,對別人也充滿愛,就會欣然去接納。而你也不會有内疚或不安,愛自己,愛的舒服和輕鬆。
我發現: 把尊重別人的健康界限,接納別人的健康界限,當成是自己健康界限的一部分。就可以形成比較完整的健康界限。


Without boundary, nothing is sustainable.

Empathy without boundary is not empathy

Compassion without boundaries is not compassion.

Boundary without empathy and compassion is not boundary

Boundaries are not separation, division, they are respect here what is OK and what is not OK. Both sides accept them mutually, comfortably, without guilt or discomfort.



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updated :


co-dependence, attachment disorder, 都是造成關係更加破壞的原因,沒有自我的健康界限而言。

People with higher self esteem has better personal boundary. No easy to be touched our get angry.

A better boundary helps to build self esteem and self responsible for his own fault and emotions. 

A person with strong boundaries is not afraid of temper tantrum ( out burst) an argument or getting hurt.

 A person with weak boundaries is terrified of it. A person with strong boundaries understands it is unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other a hundred percent and fulfill every need they have.

A person with strong boundaries understands that they may hurt someone's feelings sometimes but ultimately they cannot determine how other people feel. 

A person with strong boundaries understands that a healthy relationship is not controlling one another's emotions but rather each partner supporting each other in growth  and path to self actualization.

有強烈界限的人不怕發脾氣、爭吵或受傷。 邊界薄弱的人會害怕它。 一個有強烈界限的人明白,期望兩個人百分百包容對方並滿足他們的非常需要是不合理的。



112 5 2022

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