同理心是如何培养出来的？

EQ家庭接見室 之 判斷前先聽感受和需要

 Posted on 2020 年 02 月 19 日

               

最近，有很多家長查問﹕為何這年代的人是這麼的自我，即只追求個人的方便及舒適而犧牲別人的快樂，甚至將自己的行為配以合理化的理由後便看為理所當然。你又是如何看到孩子自我中心之發展傾向呢？我認為，當孩子對接觸新事物的適應力及對處理事件反應的彈性度越來越弱時，這有可能反映他/她正困在自以為是及相信自己的想法才是惟一方案。究竟如何培養孩子面對不同處境時也懂得看到對方的「眉頭眼額」後(即自我察覺力)，作出適當調較(即自我調節力)，並幫自己努力擊敗負面情緒的干擾後(即自我激勵)，建立同理心(即容易會意他人的意思、能閱讀別人未講的內容)？

首先，我認為最重要的是教導者必須在示範有趨近他人的能力前，先檢視自己是否屬一個難了解自己與對方的感受及需要上彼此有差距的人呢？如是，那值得你花時間去探討個人同理心强弱的源由。有心理學家研究指出，難於發展同理心的人，在童年時也曾有著一個被背叛的故事，例如家長太過美化細佬妹的出世故事，結果長子/長女發現實際與現實不符，有被騙、被出賣的感覺；在小一及小二時，在群體中有被排擠及捨棄的經驗。家長應如何從小培養孩子有同理心？其實，母親是示範同理心的高手，例如家長可表示情感訊息說﹕「我看到你在大口喘氣，看來你今天所經歷的事很不容易。而我見到你唔開心，我都唔開心呢，你可分享一下自己的感受嗎？」當子女的感受與需要被明白及諒解時，他們那些錯縱複雜的情緒才能得到平衡。另外，當人被體諒，也接受人與人之間是有個別差異時，人就能避免因那些被背叛經歷而形成「不能改變」的藉口。此刻，我想起自己與三歲姨生女的對話﹕「我不小心『賴咗尿呀！』」「不用擔心，我現在先幫你清理身體。」「你會罰我嗎？」「我會先聽你說說原因，如果知道你是不小心，我會原諒你的。」「如果我是刻意的呢？你真的會罰我呀？」我反問她﹕「如果小朋友是刻意如此做，你建議我應該怎做呢？」「應該再教導怎做才是好，然後讓他玩一陣玩具，待心情好一點。」此刻，我回應她﹕「我明白了，放心，我會原諒你的，只想你知道下次怎樣做好就行了。」

以上的對話提醒了我，就是在回應對方任何導致自己有不安的說話前，對方也與自己一樣，各自都有相同的感受和需要，就是被愛和去愛。或許，你可以這樣想﹕「對方對我有這樣情緒的表達也是有理由的，然後保持有傾有講，以繼續瞭解對方的理由，有時不只是一個，甚至可能他/她也不知道。」最幸福的人往往是活在有深度的世界，而非表面的世界，這樣你才能看清真相，並增加同理和體諒別人及自己仍未被滿足的需要，而不需自責和內疚。

「不要自私自利，也不要貪圖虛榮，只要謙卑，看別人比自己強；…你們應當有這樣的思想，這也是基督耶穌的思想。」〈腓立比書2﹕3，5〉

馬君蕙
家長EQ課程訓練顧問

https://tdww.org.hk/2020/02/19/eq%e5%ae%b6%e5%ba%ad%e6%8e%a5%e8%a6%8b%e5%ae%a4-%e4%b9%8b-%e5%88%a4%e6%96%b7%e5%89%8d%e5%85%88%e8%81%bd%e6%84%9f%e5%8f%97%e5%92%8c%e9%9c%80%e8%a6%81/

不易被傷害 - 同理心是關鍵

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2020/01/blog-post_89.html

Acknowledge feelings is the first step to change in life

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2019/11/acknowledge-feelings-is-first-step-to.html

Power tool: Empathy vs. Assertiveness

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2019/10/power-tool-empathy-vs-assertiveness.html

27 2 2020

The Journey of Marriage

19 12 2018

慈悲与包容, The Journey of Marriage 

A series wedding ceremonies in the Festival Season I attended.

What is love? After romantic , sweet period, the most important things to be happy in marriage is to have compassion and inclusion to each other and each family. I learnt from the young couples and my marriage life. 

18 12 2018 ABERDEEN MARINE CLUB

近來參加了兩次婚禮，每次聽到新人分享他們的愛情故事和愛的宣言，我都為這些年輕人成熟，正向的態度所感動。一次次提醒我婚姻需要長久的愛情，而愛情需要慈悲和包容。昨晚的新人說出他們的心底話：大家繼續包容下去，因為愛！這條路，不論順境逆境，我們一起走下去，因為我愛你！

想起这篇文章：11年前登在明報的文章，送给天下有情人

My Article To all Lovers in the world - The Journey of Marriage 

2007 1 3

The Journey of Marriage

You married your boyfriend because you fell for him on the very first date; or because he gave you fulfillment, love, a sense of security and confidence; or simply because you admired his intelligence, gorgeous looks and his sense of humour. Whatever brought you together, after some time of married life, you may come to realize that marriage, in fact, is not as ideal and sweet as you had made it out to be. 

Day by day, disagreements appear which in time develop into more serious arguments. This might be about preference of restaurants or color of a piece of furniture, disputes from visiting whose parents-in-law first to financial issue, or from which school should be selected for the kids to either of you having an affair…       

                                                                                                                                       

                                                                                                                                                                    

You might feel the relationship in your marriage is wobbly since you have sensed that he is no longer the person you married - he has become too emotional or uncommunicative or even changed in so many respects. Is a break up inevitable? What would be the consequence of divorce? What would be its impact on the children? Would it be better to persevere in the hope of new start? You’re in a real dilemma.

All this is not imaginary but happens frequently especially to a young couple once a new life comes to the family.

Having been married for a good many years, I really feel that marriage is a journey of continuously adapting to ever-changing conditions. People change especially when experiencing ups and downs. Even our characters change with age and environment. Working pressures, differences in parenting, moving house, the loss of jobs, illness and the loss of family members occur. Many uncertainties and events may increase the strain on the relationship.

Conflicts are unavoidable. Try to talk potential problems over heart-to-heart and always develop and maintain regular communication.  Ignoring issues will make problems worse and the relationship may eventually become irretrievable. 

Here are some suggestions on what to do when things start going wrong:

1. Listen to your partner and try to understand his/her point of view;

2. Discuss the problems thoroughly, calmly and objectively.

3. Avoid raking up old grievances.

    4. Consider different options until you can reach a satisfactory agreement.

I believe the more a couple communicative, the happier they will be. By way of communication, they learn to express intimate feelings like content and discontent, loves and hates in comfortable ways that facilitate mutual understanding, rather than just to grumble or complain.

I’ve come to understand that marriage is sharing, forgiving and growing with someone in the long run. When the dizzy passion and excitement fade, continue to treat your partner like your boyfriend or girlfriend instead of taking each other for granted. Valuing each other with respect and appreciation rather than just picking his/her up on daily mistakes. Seek comfort, reassurance. Laugh about something that didn’t go too well. All of these enable us to overcome adversity and make it possible for the relationship to grow organically.

As life is short and things change perpetually, we ought to treasure every single day no matter whether it is memorable or ordinary, joyful or dire.

 By Donna Wong 

                                                                                    

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                           

                                                                                                                                                                                                                    

慈善医生

每天打開報紙，第一件事就是看別人的成長故事，

如何面對逆境，渴望從別人身上学到人生智慧，吸取正能量！

以下是一位長期為無家可歸的人義務服務的好牙醫的故事

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