
Luckily I was able to enter
the Hong Kong Polytechnic. It was many people’s dream. Yet, I had been never
dreaming of getting into college at that time. Suddenly it was too good to be
true: seemly I were living in a great heaven. I immediately found that I was
never a person just from Mainland China, knowing nothing about English and even
Cantonese and being looked down by the local people.
Although I was under highest
studying pressure I’d never had before (because of my weak English), I never
had nightmares to have me give up. Instead, I cherished the chance and worked
so hard to finish the three-year course. Fortunately, whenever I was in need
from my study to career, I dreamt that somebody was backing up me.
Coincidently, the person appeared always in time to help me face one and
another challenge in my life since then.
The past 10-year working
life was adventurous, exciting and stressful. Among the jobs I have done, being
a life insurance agent was the most challenging and rewarding one. Oddly, all
my dreams during that period were hurrying up for appointments, being pushed to
get businesses by our bosses or blanking out when sitting an exam. They were
all awful and scaring. I couldn’t count how many times I was awaked/awoken by fearing happenings in my nightmares.
When I was a single, what I
mostly dreamed was loving and being loving with somebody. My dreaming husband
was tall, handsome, loving and caring, energetic and sporty gentlemen with
sense of humor. He could uplift and encourage me when I was sad and depressed
and stand by me, live with me to face any challenges in the future.
When I got married,
something in my daydream about marriage seemed a bit diverse: my very husband
was not the one I used to dream about. Though he was quite gorgeous when he was
young, but he is neither tall nor humorous. On the contrary, he is a serious
man with a quite short temper. Nevertheless, he was a traditional, responsible,
kind and hardworking man. And what I knew was that he loved me and I loved him
when I decided to marry him.
Throughout the 13-year
marriage life, we have had to confront some ups and downs. Yet we have been
learning how to understand each other better, how to care for each other and
build a happy, positive environment for our son to grow up.
Well, life is full of
dreams, no matter if they are sweet, bitter, sour or hot, black or colorful.
Sometimes we even don’t know we are living in the dreams of thousands of unfortunate
people. Sometimes dreams are so gray and dreadful but reality is much colorful
and encouraging.
Honestly, sometimes, truth
and dreams are getting such muddled in our life journey that we don’t even know
they are true or dreams.
Maybe that is why I am so
captivated by dreams and going to drop them down in the coming future. I want
to read dreams and search for the stories behind the dreams.
A nightmare and
Postnatal Depression 27.6.06
In my life, nightmares come and go. But
there is one that I’ll never forget – a nightmare during the birth to my son –
while I was having a caesarean.
After the general anaesthetic, I
immediately became unconscious. Surprisingly, no sooner had I entered (have) a deep ‘sleep’ than my left brain
started working vigorously. It seemed even more active than usual. While the
anesthetic dosage only stopped me from feeling the
physical pain of the operation in which my womb was cut open to allow my baby
son to be born, a struggle for life was going on …
The operation turned out to be a failure.
My son’s life was saved but my blood never stopped flowing
(bleeding) no matter how hard the doctor tried. I desperately need an
immense amount of B+ or O type blood for transfusion
immediately (instantly). But in the operation
theater, oddly, none of those (the) types of
blood were available (stored in advance). I desperately waited for my family to see me before I died. /I
couldn’t wait for my family to see me before I would die… Dr Cheung thought
my conditions was/were unexpected and he
started to feel /helpless/powerless. My life
was in danger. I was crying, seeing ( to see)
my efforts were in vain. I was going to
die and wouldn’t see my new born baby, not to mention take care of him …
Just before I caught my last breath, I was
waked/waken up by my sister-in-law who had been waiting for me and the baby outside
the operation room for almost one hour. She sounded very excited. Actually it
was a smooth caesarean.
What first struck me was I hadn’t died./didn’t die. I was alive! It was only a nasty
dream I’d never expected I would have in this extraordinary /experience/moment – a horrible ‘ordeal’.
But the real ordeal just began. Soon, I
felt an excruciating pain around the cut area on my lower stomach – a sharpest agony I’d (ve) never ever suffered in my
life. Worst still, I had to suffer from this torture overnight. To my dismay,
the pain had to last for another 12 hours until the next afternoon when the
doctor visited me. Then he immediately ordered a nurse to give me an injection
of pain killer. (It was a medical mistake. It was the first time for me to feel
deeply that how terrible impact it may cause on patients if doctors were not
careful enough.) Worst still, I couldn’t urine on my own because the tearing
pain; I was still not allowed to eat after starving for more than 24 hours. Excess
excreting gastric juice (HCL) had been burning my stomach wall brutally. My
head seemed to be splitting…
And my whole body was not able to move
because of the vein injections on my arms.
Since I went the hospital for the delivery
at the midnight 3 days ago, I couldn’t have had a decent sleep at all. New
mothers-to-be, their families, relatives, doctors, nurses came in and went out around
the clock. In the semi-private room, it
was like a party time sometimes. Despite the agony in my
stomach (was) getting stronger and stronger day by day,
The pains, hunger, worrying and anxiety… I
was collapsed finally. A continuous low fever lasted for one week. (which
extended my discharge from the hospital.) I was too weak to walk, except lie in
the bed for the (initial) 3 days after the birth. I didn’t get the chance to
see poor baby until the 4th day. Tears just flooded (came) out of my
eyes from time to time. I was in terribly low mood. I was experiencing ‘baby
blues’.
Unfortunately, the baby blues continued; (the)
similar (disturbing) nightmares attacked me over again and again in the following
(later months). I didn’t realize that I had already
been suffering postnatal depression since the caesarean. All the typical
symptoms – a persistently low mood, difficulty in sleep despite extreme
tiredness, I experienced.
What distressed me most was the insomnia,
which directly affected my working ability (spirit). Every night, I
subconsciously dared not to sleep, worrying that I wouldn’t awake again. (for
ever) Seemingly, I would never come out of the vicious circle of the nightmares.
Consequently, I was too weak to look after
I had to make the decision during the
maternity leave. The final decision was difficult but supposed to be good for
my health, job and hopeful good for
Unfortunately,
it was only the start of the real nightmare. The nanny
was quite money-oriented and irresponsible. She took care of two infants at the
same time. What she was concerned about most was not the two Babies’ health,
routine cleaning and feeding, but the minimum ‘hassles’ from the babies and
their parents. She set stringent rules to prevent us
parents from calling (to call) her or even visiting the babies. Most of
the time, they made them either sleep or watch TV in the infant stages! She
even fed them a kind of Chinese medicine which had
(gave) a sedative effect so that she could have a ‘peaceful’ time to
chat on the phone or make quick money on (in) the
stock market.
(The nanny was not kind enough to be a
nanny but really lack of conscious - she set serious harsh rules to prevent ‘hassles’
from the babies and their parents - <Don’t call her ‘if not necessary’>. <Visit
is not allowed until Saturday>.” Most of the time, made the babies either
sleep or sit in front of the TV all the time. (But watching TV in the infant
stages was definitely harmful for them)! She even fed them a kind of Chinese
medicine which gave sedative effect so that she could have a ‘peaceful’ time to
chat on phone or make quick money in the stock market.
While
I was in an extremely anxious, gloomy state
as I felt deeply guilty for not being able to feed my son myself, change
diapers for him, chat with him and play with him since we were not allowed to
see him until (every) Saturdays when he was taken back home for Sunday care. We
lost the vital (drastic) period when
(I got a deep guilty conscious for I
couldn’t do anything to improve the situations: I was not able to feed my son
myself, change diapers for him, sing lullaby to make him sleep and play with
him…We lost the drastic period when Eugene changed mostly in his life - a big
loss that I will never ever have chance to make up. It was the most regretful
period in my life.)
Finally we decided to take
The eight months was a vacuum that I will never ever have chance to make up and the thing I’ve most regretted in my life.
Thinking back, although I couldn’t control
my subconscious world – dreams, I should have been better prepared for how to
care for
Looking on the bright (at the bright) side(s), I had been gone through ‘virtually death’ in the tormenting nightmares. However it inspired me that everyday to me is a new day of life. I can’t take my present life (it) for granted. I (had) experienced the most physical agony in my life in the hospital. Nevertheless, I’ve started to learn mellow out (tolerance) and take it easy.
(I really appreciate Professor Hawkins’s golden motto: life is a process to learn acceptance – to accept that things are the way they are and to make the best of them. Happiness is not only from well-being, but also from the sense of conquering yourself and difficulties. They are part of the richness of life. )
I found that life is a process to learn acceptance – to accept that things are the way they are and to make the best of them (it). Happiness is not only well-being, but the sense of conquering yourself and difficulties. They are part of the richness of life.
Life, ‘death’, joy of new life depression, sickness, separation, reunion - a process I went through during the eight months; a process I need to learn how to deal with positively in my whole life.
_______________________________________________________________
A nightmare and Postnatal Depression 27.6.06
In my life, nightmares come and go. But there is one that I’ll never forget – a nightmare during the birth to my son – while I was having a caesarean.
After the general anaesthetic, I immediately became unconscious. Surprisingly, no sooner had I entered (have) a deep ‘sleep’ than my left brain started working vigorously. It seemed even more active than usual. While the anesthetic dosage only stopped me from feeling the physical pain of the operation in which my womb was cut open to allow my baby son to be born, a struggle for life was going on …
The operation turned out to be a failure. My son’s life was saved but my blood never stopped flowing (bleeding) no matter how hard the doctor tried. I desperately need an immense amount of B+ or O type blood for transfusion immediately (instantly). But in the operation theater, oddly, none of those (the) types of blood were available (stored in advance). I desperately waited for my family to see me before I died. /I couldn’t wait for my family to see me before I would die… Dr Cheung thought my conditions was/were unexpected and he started to feel /helpless/powerless. My life was in danger. I was crying, seeing ( to see) my efforts were in vain. I was going to die and wouldn’t see my new born baby, not to mention take care of him …
Just before I caught my last breath, I was waked/waken up by my sister-in-law who had been waiting for me and the baby outside the operation room for almost one hour. She sounded very excited. Actually it was a smooth caesarean.
What first struck me was I hadn’t died./didn’t die. I was alive! It was only a nasty dream I’d never expected I would have in this extraordinary /experience/moment – a horrible ‘ordeal’.
But the real ordeal just began. Soon, I felt an excruciating pain around the cut area on my lower stomach – a sharpest agony I’d (ve) never ever suffered in my life. Worst still, I had to suffer from this torture overnight. To my dismay, the pain had to last for another 12 hours until the next afternoon when the doctor visited me. Then he immediately ordered a nurse to give me an injection of pain killer. (It was a medical mistake. It was the first time for me to feel deeply that how terrible impact it may cause on patients if doctors were not careful enough.) Worst still, I couldn’t urine on my own because the tearing pain; I was still not allowed to eat after starving for more than 24 hours. Excess excreting gastric juice (HCL) had been burning my stomach wall brutally. My head seemed to be splitting…
And my whole body was not able to move
because of the vein injections on my arms.
Since I went the hospital for the delivery
at the midnight 3 days ago, I couldn’t have had a decent sleep at all. New
mothers-to-be, their families, relatives, doctors, nurses came in and went out around
the clock. In the semi-private room, it
was like a party time sometimes. Despite the agony in my
stomach (was) getting stronger and stronger day by day,
The pains, hunger, worrying and anxiety… I was collapsed finally. A continuous low fever lasted for one week. (which extended my discharge from the hospital.) I was too weak to walk, except lie in the bed for the (initial) 3 days after the birth. I didn’t get the chance to see poor baby until the 4th day. Tears just flooded (came) out of my eyes from time to time. I was in terribly low mood. I was experiencing ‘baby blues’.
Unfortunately, the baby blues continued; (the) similar (disturbing) nightmares attacked me over again and again in the following (later months). I didn’t realize that I had already been suffering postnatal depression since the caesarean. All the typical symptoms – a persistently low mood, difficulty in sleep despite extreme tiredness, I experienced.
What distressed me most was the insomnia,
which directly affected my working ability (spirit). Every night, I
subconsciously dared not to sleep, worrying that I wouldn’t awake again. (for
ever) Seemingly, I would never come out of the vicious circle of the nightmares.
Consequently, I was too weak to look after
I had to make the decision during the
maternity leave. The final decision was difficult but supposed to be good for
my health, job and hopeful good for
Unfortunately,
it was only the start of the real nightmare. The nanny
was quite money-oriented and irresponsible. She took care of two infants at the
same time. What she was concerned about most was not the two Babies’ health,
routine cleaning and feeding, but the minimum ‘hassles’ from the babies and
their parents. She set stringent rules to prevent us
parents from calling (to call) her or even visiting the babies. Most of
the time, they made them either sleep or watch TV in the infant stages! She
even fed them a kind of Chinese medicine which had
(gave) a sedative effect so that she could have a ‘peaceful’ time to
chat on the phone or make quick money on (in) the
stock market.
(The nanny was not kind enough to be a
nanny but really lack of conscious - she set serious harsh rules to prevent ‘hassles’
from the babies and their parents - <Don’t call her ‘if not necessary’>. <Visit
is not allowed until Saturday>.” Most of the time, made the babies either
sleep or sit in front of the TV all the time. (But watching TV in the infant
stages was definitely harmful for them)! She even fed them a kind of Chinese
medicine which gave sedative effect so that she could have a ‘peaceful’ time to
chat on phone or make quick money in the stock market.
While
I was in an extremely anxious, gloomy state
as I felt deeply guilty for not being able to feed my son myself, change
diapers for him, chat with him and play with him since we were not allowed to
see him until (every) Saturdays when he was taken back home for Sunday care. We
lost the vital (drastic) period when
(I got a deep guilty conscious for I
couldn’t do anything to improve the situations: I was not able to feed my son
myself, change diapers for him, sing lullaby to make him sleep and play with
him…We lost the drastic period when Eugene changed mostly in his life - a big
loss that I will never ever have chance to make up. It was the most regretful
period in my life.)
Finally we decided to take
The eight months was a vacuum that I will never ever have chance to
make up and the thing I’ve most regretted in my life.
Thinking back, although I couldn’t control
my subconscious world – dreams, I should have been better prepared for how to
care for
Looking on the bright (at the bright) side(s),
I had been gone through ‘virtually death’ in the tormenting nightmares. However
it inspired me that everyday to me is a new day of life. I can’t take my present
life (it) for granted. I (had) experienced the most physical agony in my life
in the hospital. Nevertheless, I’ve started to learn mellow out (tolerance) and
take it easy.
(I really appreciate Professor Hawkins’s
golden motto: life is a process to learn acceptance – to accept that things are
the way they are and to make the best of them. Happiness is not only from well-being,
but also from the sense of conquering yourself and difficulties. They are part
of the richness of life. )
I found that life is a
process to learn acceptance – to accept that things are the way they are and to
make the best of them (it). Happiness is not only well-being, but the sense of
conquering yourself and difficulties. They are part of the richness of life.
Life, ‘death’, joy of new life depression, sickness, separation, reunion - a
process I went through during the eight months; a process I need to learn how
to deal with positively in my whole life.
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