愛你還是勒索你？

情感勒索，焦虑症，如何面对和避免？

七情上面：愛你還是勒索你？

　【明報專訊】輝哥今年50歲，無嗱嗱決定結婚，跟女友Anna到台東拍婚紗照，夠膽死邀請我和太太同行，而我們又夠膽死做電燈膽。台東的海岸很美，天連海，海連天。他倆拍結婚照，真有點台灣文藝片的情調。片名或可叫：愛，得來不易。

　輝哥與Anna同居已經十多年，為什麼心血來潮，竟想到要結婚？兩年前，在支援小組認識輝哥，當時出問題是他的繼子聰頭，剛要考DSE卻病發了，搞到皮黃骨瘦。輝哥照顧聰仔無微不至；但第一次聽輝哥描述，我就覺得唔係幾對路。個仔話曬都讀高中啦，冇理由輝哥仲日日pack lunch畀佢返學。輝哥話，有次聰仔轉校，佢傻到在新學校附近，企喺行人天橋，手執望遠鏡，睇嚇操場入面嘅聰仔，識唔識得交新朋友？有冇伴？相唔相處得來？我覺得，有心理問題的，是輝哥自己！

　Anna第一次在小組現身時，明眼人一看，就看出她滿腹牢騷，對輝哥的所謂照顧不勝其煩。 Anna當眾投訴：「你呀！乜都睇住曬！我洗完碗，你又再洗多次……」Anna一說就動氣了。輝哥打圓場說：「你洗碗洗得唔係咁乾淨，我先幫你執手尾……」沒等輝哥說完，她便火滾反駁：「你為咗我哋好吖嘛！你講曬啦！」輝哥對大夥兒扮個笑臉，「我個女人做嘢好爽手，不過有時就有啲甩漏……」

　存在意義 就是照顧他人？

　聰仔的焦慮症有心理學家跟進，我們爸爸小組的焦點，主要落在輝哥身上。輝哥10歲時父親突然去世，他是大哥，照顧一家五口，孭曬飛，好man。有次，聰仔入了camp，Anna與姊妹遊日本，沒有人要他照顧了，回家無聊之極，所以下班選擇由大圍步行到烏溪沙，行了整整兩小時，為的是打發時間。基本上，他存在的意義，就是照顧他人，若沒人讓他照顧，他的生活空洞無物。

　「為何不再需要我？」

　情況最惡劣的時候，Anna想離開他，聰仔拒絕溝通，pack lunch退貨，愛心便當冇人要！ 「窗係我抹、地係我掃嘅，點解冇人欣賞！」家人「反面」那個星期天，他在附近的公園遊蕩，碰巧有幾個小孩在嬉戲。他自豪的說：「我很會哄小朋友！」那天輝哥做了個小班長，指揮幾隻馬騮玩「一二三紅綠燈」。陌生的孩子，需要一個玩得的領袖，爭相爭取輝哥的注意。被需要的感覺，令輝哥湧起莫名的感動。起初相識Anna，那年頭聰仔還小，單親家庭突然補充了一個Father Figure，輝哥與聰仔，一拍即合。在我們面前，輝哥憶想當年，第一次流下眼淚，第一次脫下堅強的盔甲，第一次表現出小孩子的幼嫩情懷。他輕聲說：「為什麼聰仔不再需要我？我很想回到十年前，他最『黐身』的時候，在他睡前，讀Peter Pan 故事哄他……」

　渴望愛與關懷，是人性；但渴望得不到滿足，避免失望的方法，就是否認自己需要。我問輝哥：你是否希望太太照顧你一下？他想都沒想：「其實我很獨立，沒什麼需要，兒時喪父，由細到大，我自己照顧自己。」

　他的說詞，似曾相識。我多年來獨自看電影、吃飯、行山，自由自在。我是一個孤島，我以此為傲。

　感情上，我不需要與人聯繫，甚至很可悲的覺得，我連親人也不需要。想不到幾年前，內心好像一個老橙，外皮還未乾，但橙心已經乾巴巴，沒有血色與水分。

　感情交流，是人性的基本。嬰孩渴望愛與關懷，直接又坦然。成年人也需要愛，只是學會掩飾、收斂、壓抑。這幾年，我慢慢享受被太太照顧，內心那個小孩，又活過來了。別人讚我的文章寫得好，以前我會扭扭擰擰，現在爽快說，多謝欣賞！坦然享受被稱讚的滿足感。

　承認自己需要被愛

　我把經驗與輝哥分享，他起初覺得匪夷所思。他只想親人「黐身」，不肯承認自己需要家人的愛。 Anna私下對我太太說，輝哥是超級好男人，但這十多年來，與他相處，總覺得隔了一層什麼，看不見一個有血有肉的人。起初是想結婚的，很快就打消了念頭，「唔想同一嚿木頭過人世！」

　直到去年，輝哥慢慢學會放軟手腳，享用Anna為他煮的晚餐，假期去一轉日本，完全由Anna安排住宿行程。幾個月後，苦瓜乾輝哥，變得容光煥發。他笑說，以前對Anna百般照顧，她反而覺得有如坐牢，像被人監視似的。如今輝哥放手，不再掌控家人，他們竟然都開朗起來！

幾個月前，輝哥唔知發乜神經，在Anna的生日會上，唱了首很老土的歌，冇面懵，真情投入，而且贏得眾人的掌聲：「誰說，時間片刻變陳舊，全為我分秒亦停留，因我，身邊有你緊握我的手。」唱到這裏，深情的望一望我，搞到我毛管戙。然後，他拿出求婚戒指。 Anna不再是女孩，沒有什麼誇張的反應，很大方得體的，把戒指套在無名指上。

　上週在台東三仙台，晨光熹微，我和太太走到海邊，紫色的天空，幻變成橙紅色，太陽從水平線慢慢爬上來。輝哥與Anna穿上白色禮服，陽光剪影出一對新人優雅的輪廓。並肩多年，很不容易；在50歲初老之年，踏進愛與寬容的新階段，我作為見證人，榮幸、感激，正如歌詞所說，過千山過千海，兩雙足印。

　文//馬傑偉

　圖//陳協茵

　編輯//王翠麗

　fb﹕http://www.facebook.com/SundayMingpao

Reference：

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2019/05/derekeegmail.html

童年陰影是如何造成的？

家長把自己的情緒寄生、投射在孩子身上，

他們開心嗎？他們的自尊建立會是怎樣？

對他們的人生會有多大的影響？

https://www.learning-mind.com/emotional-blackmail/

In today’s time and age, emotional blackmail has become a common behavior trait found in most people. It causes the victims to feel vulnerable and answerable to those who they are close to or those who know them well.

Relationships can either enhance one’s self-esteem or break it. Someone close to you can be a threat as they know your weakness and may use emotional blackmail against you to get what they want. Ultimately, as a victim, you succumb to fear, obligation, and guilt. Hence, it helps if you are able to identify the signs when someone tries to emotionally blackmail you.

Warning Signs of People Who Use Emotional Blackmail

We all know people in our lives who use emotional blackmail to get something they want. It could be anyone from your family or friends. Encountering it may not be the most pleasant experience. But it is essential to keep in mind, not to fall prey to their actions. With all the manipulative people out there, in some phase of life, you will experience such individuals. But with specific warning signs, you can avoid them.

Mostly, people who are insecure for some reason resort to emotional blackmail. They manipulate your decisions by reacting negatively to the choices you make. They often try to intimidate you until you do what they ask you to. This is a clear warning sign of emotional blackmail. You will find them constantly trying to blame or accuse you of doing something they don’t approve of. They will never hesitate to make you suffer in public or create drama to get you to cheer them up.

These are some signs to identify people who use emotional blackmail. But we often miss out on these signs as these people can appear to be so charming that you easily submit to their needs.

Tactics of Emotional Blackmailers

A person who uses emotional blackmail typically uses the Fear-Emotion-Guilt tactic. They start with an outrage to baffle the victim and put them in a state of fear. And makes the victim feel answerable. The manipulator slyly uses the victim’s sensibilities and emotions to make them appear wrong. They use sentiments to divert their attention from facts and instead make it an emotional mess.

Once they notice you let your guard down, they charge you guilty. And if you don’t defend yourself, you fall for it. Even if you haven’t done any wrong, you end up guilty and apologizing in the situation. Here are a few personality types that commonly use it.

Types of People That Resort to Emotional Blackmail

Narcissists

Narcissistic people believe that they are the best at everything and proudly brag about it. They tend to down upon people, and emotional blackmail is one of their common traits.

They undermine others’ decision-making skills and always want to have the last word. To make that happen, they are even willing to destroy those around them.

Loud and Dramatic

We all know certain people who are loud and are always looking for an opportunity to create drama. They create a big issue out of every little thing. From sly comments to condescending remarks – they try everything to get their way.

Their insecurity drives them to look for approval from others. They emotionally blackmail their partners by making them feel guilty about their instability.

Passive-Aggressive

This is another typical personality that uses emotional blackmail as a strategy. Passive-aggressive people tend to express hostility indirectly – through insults, stubbornness, or even deliberate failure.

Since they cannot communicate straightforwardly, they tend to use sarcasm and emotional manipulation as a defense mechanism.

Insecure/Low Self-Esteem

Those with low self-esteem often develop the trait of emotional blackmailing. They are unable to express their true feelings and hence resort to using other methods of control.

They try to make you feel inadequate to avoid feeling worthless themselves. They use emotional blackmail and try to bring your self-esteem down. They blame others for their powerlessness or insecurities and try to grab attention when their self-esteem is violated.

Judgmental/Critics

You can’t talk about emotional blackmail without discussing the highly critical people out there. These people use guilt and emotional blackmail to manipulate and control situations that are out of their hand.

Their intimidation goes so far that the victim starts believing that they are bringing them on the right path. They have a very condescending tone and try to undermine the person.

These are some types of people that commonly use emotional blackmail to control the outcome. We all possess a certain level of insecurity and have our defense mechanisms, but as long as we have self-control, things will not get out of hand.

In any given situation, you need to observe and recognize any signs of emotional blackmail or manipulative people, in order to avoid them and put a stop to it. We have our own opinions, which influence our choices. And no level of emotional blackmail should be able to influence those choices.

So starting today, identify the types of people who use emotional blackmail, and steer clear to avoid getting involved in it.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

Nisha is passionate about writing and loves to share her thoughts with the world. She has written many articles on yoga, fitness, wellness, remedies, and beauty. She keeps herself updated by going through interesting blogs every day. This fuels her passion and motivates her to write appealing and engaging articles. She is a regular contributor to StyleCraze.com and a few other websites.