How to help ?
https://chronic-joy.org/how-help-friend-mental-illness/
“I just don’t know how to help.”
I hear this a lot. Whether I’m speaking on the subject of mental illness, talking with someone who is concerned about a friend, or reading an email message, I often hear from people who care deeply about others and want to help ease their suffering. But they don’t know what to do.
Perhaps you’re in this very position. You care about someone who is living with emotional or psychological pain, and you wish you could offer something that would help. But you’re not sure you can make a difference. Maybe you live with the misconception that only trained mental health professionals are qualified to provide any kind of care. Maybe you’ve tried everything you can think of and you’re pretty sure it hasn’t made any difference. Or maybe you believe the only way to help is to solve the problem and make the person feel better for good. And since you haven’t been able to do that, you’ve decided there’s nothing you can do.
The truth is, as with other complex troubles, there are many ways to help. But when it comes to mental illness, many of us respond with fear or avoidance, and this compromises our creative abilities. Once we start thinking beyond the solutions most of us are not qualified to provide, we begin to realize we can do far more than we guessed.
So to prompt your own thinking, here is a small collection of ideas for helping a friend with mental illness:
Care for practical needs. I preach this all the time. Frankly, it’s way too easy for us to forget that people who live with mental illness (including those with serious, highly disruptive disorders) are fully human. As humans, we all have 90 percent of our needs and wants in common. So you already know how to help with most of what people need. They need food, shelter, safety, community, money, maybe medicine, and more. Begin by meeting these needs as you can.
Listen. Like the rest of us humans, people with mental illness need to be heard. They need to know they matter. And talking to an attentive, caring audience can be tremendously healing. You don’t have to offer solutions or wonderful, wise advice (or any advice at all). Just listen.
Draw near, not away. When people are dealing with something we don’t understand, or we’re tired of hearing about, or which makes them not-so-fun to be around, our natural tendency is to draw away and to put space between us and them. The same thing happens when we assume a person’s experience is too private or shameful to ask them about. Don’t make the mistake of reinforcing stigma and shame by pulling out of a friend’s life just when he or she needs you most. You aren’t the solution, but you can be a powerful vehicle for God’s healing grace and the hope that comes with knowing you’re not alone.
Deal with your discomfort. It’s normal to feel uncomfortable, or even fearful, when confronted with something we don’t understand. It’s only natural to feel nervous around people who don’t act or think the way we expect them to. But we can question our reflexive reactions by asking ourselves whether we have true reasons for fear. If not (and most of the time, honesty will compel us to admit we are not in danger), we can choose to set aside our discomfort and focus on loving the person we’re with.
Let them be the way they are. For many people, it really is difficult to grasp the idea that we can help without fixing the problem. Yet this is tremendously important. We can share in the sufferings of others, help to lighten the load, and offer the comfort of our presence without fixing anything. In most cases, our efforts to fix will ultimately fail, damage trust with the people we’re trying to help, and perhaps do further harm. Help your friends find the healing help they need, and recognize you have a different role to play: the role of a true and faithful friend who loves them as they are.
Adopt a learner’s mindset. Too often, we approach people as if we have all the answers, when we may not even know what questions they’re asking. And if we haven’t walked in their shoes, we don’t know what they’re up against. The more you understand, the more you can offer a truly supportive response. So adopt a learning posture, ask questions, and keep an open mind as you learn from your friends.
Research options for treatment and support. Mental health care is one of those things most people don’t know or think much about until they need it. And when you need mental health care, it’s generally not a great time to face the dizzying world of options, restrictions, and methods of access. Sometimes it’s impossible. One of the most helpful things you can do is some legwork for your friends, helping them navigate the mental health care world and find out what doctors, counselors, hospitals, treatment centers, and other resources are available to them.
Help them access treatment and support. Once you’ve identified some options for your friends, you can help them get started. Go to support group meetings with them. Schedule counseling appointments on their behalf. Drive them to the doctor’s office. Take them to the hospital and stay with them as long as they need you. Again, taking these steps can be extremely difficult or impossible for people who are in a mental health crisis. And when you help them access the resources they need, you send a strong message that you want to be their friend when they may feel unlovable.
Get support for yourself. You may want to go to a support group on your own. If you’re helping someone else through crisis, that crisis will take its toll on you as well. And you may get some education and ideas from others who are offering support in similar situations.
Help them see their resources. You are not the complete or only answer to anyone else’s needs. You should not be the only resource they can access. But mental illness is a dirty liar, and it will tell people they have no one when they have a village. It will tell them God has walked away when he is close. It will say they can’t do what feels hard. So you might need to repeatedly remind them of the people and other resources that are present in their lives. Encourage them to draw on those resources rather than try to go it alone.
Draw boundaries. Love and support your friends in the context of awareness and acceptance that you are not the answer to their problems. You can be part of the solution, but you can never be the complete package of what anyone needs. And chances are, they are not the only people who need you. So take care of yourself, honor your limitations, and fulfill your other commitments. You will be a better helper, for longer, if you do.
Speak the truth in love. Mental illness never tells the whole truth, and you can be a voice of truth in contradiction to its lies. When depression says a person’s life isn’t worth living, you can counter that lie with reminders of that person’s purpose and value to you and to God. When overwhelming anxiety tells people they can’t survive what scares them, you can remind them of the strength and courage they have to push through fear. When psychosis, paranoia, or delusions reframe reality, you can help people know what is and is not real. But always do so in love, gentleness, and compassion. Arguments won’t get you very far, and they won’t say “I love you” to your friends.
By now, I hope you’ve noticed there’s nothing on this list that lies outside the capabilities of the average human being. If you are human, you can do these things. And there’s much more you can do–including ideas I haven’t thought of. So please share your ideas too! Let’s help each other.
*First published August, 2018 at AmySimpson.com. Used with permission.
環球天道傳基協會
Posted on 2019 年 11 月 06 日
美華(化名)已婚，本擁有小康之家，誰知在丈夫事業如日中天時，因壓力太大而患上精神病。她不但要照顧他，還要面對經濟困難。由於大家都在壓力之下，故衝突不斷，她的精神也快要崩潰，曾想過離婚，內心掙扎，最後決定前來見輔導。
輔導剛開始，她已急不及待地說﹕「我為他做咁多事，既需照顧子女，又要打理家務，但他從來沒有說半句欣賞或多謝的話。他在病發時大叫、擲東西，我覺得好驚！更甚者，常駡我無知無用，只識做家庭主婦，沒有出來社會賺錢。我真的感到很受傷！」(她一面吐苦水，一面淚流滿臉……。)
對於精神病照顧者，有如此千絲萬縷的矛盾和苦衷，確有許多的感慨，我祈求主賜予深度的同理心和聆聽的耳朵，真誠臨在並能與她緊緊連繫上，讓她在黯淡困窘的婚姻裡，看到光明、美善和生命能力的新角度！
我如此回應她﹕「我見到你深愛著丈夫和子女，咁多年來都不離不棄，我欣賞你的感情很豐富；更棒的是，你已為他們做了這麼多的事情，十分能幹呀！」她聽後似有點感觸，想一想說﹕「我沒有諗過自己的能力如何，只覺得是應該如此做的，於是便去做。」
我追問道﹕「如果咁多年來，沒有你的付出，他們會怎樣？」她歎了一口氣﹕「咁就慘啦，家庭就會散曬！」我接著﹕「所以你持家有道，又細心服事，真像superwoman呀！」話音剛落，大家立刻哄笑。她說﹕「朋友都讚過我打理這頭家十分犀利！」
我再補充說﹕「你還看到自己有許多良好的內涵素質嗎？你承擔家庭經濟困境，毅然出來工作，真是勇敢和適應力強呀！」她一邊留心聆聽，一邊點頭說﹕「我感到有點驚喜，因好像你被說中了，但我以前沒有從這個角度看自己。」
「此刻的我好像搵番自己，以前的自己只顧為別人著想，甚麼事情都會攬曬上身，攪到自己好辛苦！我從小已習慣服事別人，卻很少真正照顧自己……。」她繼續回應說道。苦笑的我為她感欣喜﹕「嗯，你對自己有新發現，覺察到關愛自己也十分重要！」
她再補充﹕「多謝你經常的讚賞，令我感到被肯定！你看我總是以正面樂觀的角度，但我卻偏偏總看自己的困難痛苦那面。不過，現在的我開始會欣賞自己所付出的。其實，回望過去，亦發現到主的恩典已臨到我家，例如丈夫的病況慢慢好轉起來……。」
雖然她要走的婚姻之路仍是漫長，但是此刻步出輔導室時，她的步履輕鬆了， 彷彿帶著「新的動力」去擁抱關愛和恩典，繼續前行……。
「但那些仰望耶和華的人，必重新得力！」〈以賽亞書40﹕31〉
朱紹佳(Samuel Chu)
個人、婚姻及家庭治療師
婚姻及兒童啟導中心
(info@cmcg.org.hk)
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