I message application
10-12-2014
Quality of life is quality of communication
I start to think over this sentence and love this saying so
much the first time from my NLP coach Mr Chris Howard 5 years ago.
在處理紛爭個案 （家庭,婚姻還是工作) ,或是处理我自己的家庭生活的協調和幸福,我深深感到，一個懂得尊重別人，善解人意，又懂得直接表達情感的人，他和身邊人的互動都會開心好多。因為爲Quality of life is quality of communication.
很多問題最后後變成分手的導火綫線,都可能是一些細小，瑣碎的誤解。
如何才能做到一個好的直接表達又不會令人有不愉快的感覺，達到更好的理解和溝通的效果？
在我的學習溝通和實踐中，首先， 當自己一有不舒服的感覺，不開心的情緒，察覺它，接受自己有情緒，想象如果帶著這個情緒，對自己有什麽“好處”？與人相處，有什麽問題？（aware of it, accept it and see if we hold
this emotion, what is the impact, health impact to ourselves, esp. and
relationship impact. ）
然後,我們從不同的角度去分析這件事的起因，很可能自己也有錯。這樣，自己也要說“對不起了”。別人的行為背後都有一個正面的動機。我們不認同行爲，但我們可以理解别人的動機。同时，學習寬恕，原諒別人，不原諒別人，就是不原諒自己。何解？生別人的氣就像是憋著一口氣不呼吸，等同傷害自己，慢性自殺！所以，要原諒自己。放下包袱，才能繼續向前。這樣，我們就會平靜下來，智慧自然而來。看到積极的，各種解決的方法和希望。
Then we can analyze
from different angles, self, others, environments, and any factors to cause
this issue and how to understand this issue with most objective approach. We
can find that there is always a positive intention ( maybe purely for
themselves goodness) behind every behavior,
so we don’t have to agree with the behavior but we understand their
intention. That is the source of empathy. Once we have empathy, we can calm
down and feel in peace.
We also need to forgive ourselves first:
The significance of Forgiveness is for forgiver himself more
than the forgiven person. Forgiving sets ourselves free; enable us to stay much
calmer and peaceful, giving us wisdom. Unforgiving is like to hold our breath
and feeling suffocated, which can cause many diseases. So forgiving is to protect
us from being "slowly killed" by our own.
Everyone is resourceful, with plenty of wisdom in our
subconscious mind until we are in calm and peace.
當我們自己處於一個平靜放鬆的狀態，別人自然會受到影響。
當自己可以不帶情緒，別人的狀態也平靜下來，我們就可以极积的溝通了：
1 表示自己重視這個關係，望有更好的溝通和了解
Appreciate other character or quality and express how you
value the relationship.
2
不帶任何情緒地敘述事情和你自己不舒服的感受。這是我的感受而以。
3聽別人的回應，也許這裡有誤解需得到化解。
4 提出建議：今後…是否，如果，可不可以…
5 你認为如何可以改善？你覺得怎樣呢？你的看法呢？互相磋商，達到一個雙方可以接受的方案。
所有的溝通都是為大家好，WIN-WIN的結果是我們的目標。過去發生的事都是一個學習的經驗。放下左腳，右腳才能跨出，向前。
幸福的生活就是互相尊重，了解和信任的互動吧！
In general, you can appreciate the person for his good intention or behavior that make you feel happy or important.
Then, you can tell him you really care for him or value the relationship. That is why you have something to discuss or share with him by directly, factually mentioning an event or issue that you feel uncomfortable/unhappy. This is only your feeling. You take the responsibility for that feeling.
You might want to clarify or give some suggestions with open sentences, maybe , perhaps, or, we may. could we... is that better?
Finally you add one sentence like "what do you feel "? What is your view about it? Can we make a peace or work out a method or resolve it.
More reference
Let’s learn
to use I message to well express ourselves
"I message"
core intention is to establish a healthy relationship.
I-statements help the
individual avoid blame, turning blame into own personal responsibility.
Personal responsibility is key to learning to use I-statements. Without
personal responsibility, I-statements are null in their intention.
I-messages are often used
with the intent to be assertive without putting the listener on the defensive. They are also used to take ownership for
one's feelings rather than implying that they are caused by another person.
I-
messages are
often used with the intent to be assertive without putting the listener on the
defensive. They are also used to take ownership for one's feelings rather than
implying that they are caused by another person. An example of this would be to
say: "I really am getting backed up on my work since I don't have the
financial report yet," rather than: "you didn't finish the financial
report on time!" (The latter is an example of a
"you-statement").
|
I-messages or I-statements
can also be used in constructive
criticism. For instance, one might
say, "I had to read that section of your paper three times before I
understood it," rather than, "This section is worded in a really
confusing way," or "You need to learn how to word a paper more
clearly." The former comment leaves open the possibility that the fault
lies with the giver of the criticism. According to the Conflict Resolution
Network, I-statements are a dispute
resolutionconversation
opener that can be
used to state how one sees things and how one would like things to be, without
using inflaming language[4]
In general, you can appreciate the person for his good intention or behavior that makes you feel happy or important.
Then, you can tell him
you really care for him or value the relationship. That is why you have
something to discuss or share with him by directly, factually
mentioning an event or issue that you feel uncomfortable/unhappy.
This is only your feeling. You take the responsibility for
that feeling.
You might want to
clarify or give some suggestions with open sentences, maybe , perhaps, or, we
may. could we... is that better?
Finally you add one
sentence like "what do you feel "? What is your view about it? Can we
make a peace or work out a method or resolve it.
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