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Updated 1 7 2018

Wednesday, November 13, 2019

How to help friends with mental diseases and support their carers


How to help ?

https://chronic-joy.org/how-help-friend-mental-illness/

“I just don’t know how to help.”
I hear this a lot. Whether I’m speaking on the subject of mental illness, talking with someone who is concerned about a friend, or reading an email message, I often hear from people who care deeply about others and want to help ease their suffering. But they don’t know what to do.
Perhaps you’re in this very position. You care about someone who is living with emotional or psychological pain, and you wish you could offer something that would help. But you’re not sure you can make a difference. Maybe you live with the misconception that only trained mental health professionals are qualified to provide any kind of care. Maybe you’ve tried everything you can think of and you’re pretty sure it hasn’t made any difference. Or maybe you believe the only way to help is to solve the problem and make the person feel better for good. And since you haven’t been able to do that, you’ve decided there’s nothing you can do.
The truth is, as with other complex troubles, there are many ways to help. But when it comes to mental illness, many of us respond with fear or avoidance, and this compromises our creative abilities. Once we start thinking beyond the solutions most of us are not qualified to provide, we begin to realize we can do far more than we guessed.
So to prompt your own thinking, here is a small collection of ideas for helping a friend with mental illness:
Care for practical needs. I preach this all the time. Frankly, it’s way too easy for us to forget that people who live with mental illness (including those with serious, highly disruptive disorders) are fully human. As humans, we all have 90 percent of our needs and wants in common. So you already know how to help with most of what people need. They need food, shelter, safety, community, money, maybe medicine, and more. Begin by meeting these needs as you can.
Listen. Like the rest of us humans, people with mental illness need to be heard. They need to know they matter. And talking to an attentive, caring audience can be tremendously healing. You don’t have to offer solutions or wonderful, wise advice (or any advice at all). Just listen.
Draw near, not away. When people are dealing with something we don’t understand, or we’re tired of hearing about, or which makes them not-so-fun to be around, our natural tendency is to draw away and to put space between us and them. The same thing happens when we assume a person’s experience is too private or shameful to ask them about. Don’t make the mistake of reinforcing stigma and shame by pulling out of a friend’s life just when he or she needs you most. You aren’t the solution, but you can be a powerful vehicle for God’s healing grace and the hope that comes with knowing you’re not alone.
Deal with your discomfortIt’s normal to feel uncomfortable, or even fearful, when confronted with something we don’t understand. It’s only natural to feel nervous around people who don’t act or think the way we expect them to. But we can question our reflexive reactions by asking ourselves whether we have true reasons for fear. If not (and most of the time, honesty will compel us to admit we are not in danger), we can choose to set aside our discomfort and focus on loving the person we’re with.
Let them be the way they are. For many people, it really is difficult to grasp the idea that we can help without fixing the problem. Yet this is tremendously important. We can share in the sufferings of others, help to lighten the load, and offer the comfort of our presence without fixing anything. In most cases, our efforts to fix will ultimately fail, damage trust with the people we’re trying to help, and perhaps do further harm. Help your friends find the healing help they need, and recognize you have a different role to play: the role of a true and faithful friend who loves them as they are.
Adopt a learner’s mindset. Too often, we approach people as if we have all the answers, when we may not even know what questions they’re asking. And if we haven’t walked in their shoes, we don’t know what they’re up against. The more you understand, the more you can offer a truly supportive response. So adopt a learning posture, ask questions, and keep an open mind as you learn from your friends.
Research options for treatment and support. Mental health care is one of those things most people don’t know or think much about until they need it. And when you need mental health care, it’s generally not a great time to face the dizzying world of options, restrictions, and methods of access. Sometimes it’s impossible. One of the most helpful things you can do is some legwork for your friends, helping them navigate the mental health care world and find out what doctors, counselors, hospitals, treatment centers, and other resources are available to them.
Help them access treatment and support. Once you’ve identified some options for your friends, you can help them get started. Go to support group meetings with them. Schedule counseling appointments on their behalf. Drive them to the doctor’s office. Take them to the hospital and stay with them as long as they need you. Again, taking these steps can be extremely difficult or impossible for people who are in a mental health crisis. And when you help them access the resources they need, you send a strong message that you want to be their friend when they may feel unlovable.
Get support for yourself. You may want to go to a support group on your own. If you’re helping someone else through crisis, that crisis will take its toll on you as well. And you may get some education and ideas from others who are offering support in similar situations.
Help them see their resources. You are not the complete or only answer to anyone else’s needs. You should not be the only resource they can access. But mental illness is a dirty liar, and it will tell people they have no one when they have a village. It will tell them God has walked away when he is close. It will say they can’t do what feels hard. So you might need to repeatedly remind them of the people and other resources that are present in their lives. Encourage them to draw on those resources rather than try to go it alone.
Draw boundaries. Love and support your friends in the context of awareness and acceptance that you are not the answer to their problems. You can be part of the solution, but you can never be the complete package of what anyone needs. And chances are, they are not the only people who need you. So take care of yourself, honor your limitations, and fulfill your other commitments. You will be a better helper, for longer, if you do.
Speak the truth in love. Mental illness never tells the whole truth, and you can be a voice of truth in contradiction to its lies. When depression says a person’s life isn’t worth living, you can counter that lie with reminders of that person’s purpose and value to you and to God. When overwhelming anxiety tells people they can’t survive what scares them, you can remind them of the strength and courage they have to push through fear. When psychosis, paranoia, or delusions reframe reality, you can help people know what is and is not real. But always do so in love, gentleness, and compassion. Arguments won’t get you very far, and they won’t say “I love you” to your friends.
By now, I hope you’ve noticed there’s nothing on this list that lies outside the capabilities of the average human being. If you are human, you can do these things. And there’s much more you can do–including ideas I haven’t thought of. So please share your ideas too! Let’s help each other.
*First published August, 2018 at AmySimpson.com. Used with permission.

環球天道傳基協會
「婚姻親子輔導室」 精神病照顧者之壓力與動力

Posted on 2019 年 11 月 06 日

美華(化名)已婚,本擁有小康之家,誰知在丈夫事業如日中天時,因壓力太大而患上精神病。她不但要照顧他,還要面對經濟困難。由於大家都在壓力之下,故衝突不斷,她的精神也快要崩潰,曾想過離婚,內心掙扎,最後決定前來見輔導。

輔導剛開始,她已急不及待地說﹕「我為他做咁多事,既需照顧子女,又要打理家務,但他從來沒有說半句欣賞或多謝的話。他在病發時大叫、擲東西,我覺得好驚!更甚者,常駡我無知無用,只識做家庭主婦,沒有出來社會賺錢。我真的感到很受傷!」(她一面吐苦水,一面淚流滿臉……。)

對於精神病照顧者,有如此千絲萬縷的矛盾和苦衷,確有許多的感慨,我祈求主賜予深度的同理心和聆聽的耳朵,真誠臨在並能與她緊緊連繫上,讓她在黯淡困窘的婚姻裡,看到光明、美善和生命能力的新角度!

我如此回應她﹕「我見到你深愛著丈夫和子女,咁多年來都不離不棄,我欣賞你的感情很豐富;更棒的是,你已為他們做了這麼多的事情,十分能幹呀!」她聽後似有點感觸,想一想說﹕「我沒有諗過自己的能力如何,只覺得是應該如此做的,於是便去做。」

我追問道﹕「如果咁多年來,沒有你的付出,他們會怎樣?」她歎了一口氣﹕「咁就慘啦,家庭就會散曬!」我接著﹕「所以你持家有道,又細心服事,真像superwoman呀!」話音剛落,大家立刻哄笑。她說﹕「朋友都讚過我打理這頭家十分犀利!」

我再補充說﹕「你還看到自己有許多良好的內涵素質嗎?你承擔家庭經濟困境,毅然出來工作,真是勇敢和適應力強呀!」她一邊留心聆聽,一邊點頭說﹕「我感到有點驚喜,因好像你被說中了,但我以前沒有從這個角度看自己。」

「此刻的我好像搵番自己,以前的自己只顧為別人著想,甚麼事情都會攬曬上身,攪到自己好辛苦!我從小已習慣服事別人,卻很少真正照顧自己……。」她繼續回應說道。苦笑的我為她感欣​​喜﹕「嗯,你對自己有新發現,覺察到關愛自己也十分重要!」

她再補充﹕「多謝你經常的讚賞,令我感到被肯定!你看我總是以正面樂觀的角度,但我卻偏偏總看自己的困難痛苦那面。不過,現在的我開始會欣賞自己所付出的。其實,回望過去,亦發現到主的恩典已臨到我家,例如丈夫的病況慢慢好轉起來……。」

雖然她要走的婚姻之路仍是漫長,但是此刻步出輔導室時,她的步履輕鬆了, 彷彿帶著「新的動力」去擁抱關愛和恩典,繼續前行……。

「但那些仰望耶和華的人,必重新得力!」〈以賽亞書40﹕31〉



朱紹佳(Samuel Chu)
個人、婚姻及家庭治療師
婚姻及兒童啟導中心
(info@cmcg.org.hk)

释梦 - 探索未知的自己,掌控自己的潜意识

七情上面:夢警工作坊 日常、樽頸、原型 

 文//馬傑偉 10 11 2019




 【明報專訊】七十多歲的志常老師釋夢多年,舉辦可能是最後一次的「夢作坊」,十多個朋友踴躍參加。在他而言,「釋夢」一詞並不準確,dream work較傳神。釋夢不是解籤,而是一個自覺的過程,醒過來捉住「夢境的尾巴」,探索未知的自我。

 夢世界裏,充滿稀奇古怪的奇人異獸,我們可以飛天潛水、死過翻生。 「自作夢」不是「自作孽」,古怪事來自潛意識,那些不一定是孽,卻是「醒意識」不容許、不明白、不敢面對的千絲百念。在睡夢中,自我防衛的外衣脫下,它們就泉湧而出。

 「醒意識」不允的千絲百念

 第一種常見的夢,是「日有所思、夜有所夢」的那一種。日間際遇中的喜怒哀樂,被壓抑的驚恐、被放大的自責、難以承受的壓力、努力遺忘的羞愧……睡的時候,「夢工作」就開始,有點像每天house cleaning,早晚都會做一遍的梳洗,把家裏的塵垢清理、把牙縫的殘漬刷掉……長期缺乏深層睡眠,情緒污垢堆積如山,心理就容易出問題。

 第二種夢,個人生命出現樽頸,情緒堵塞而成心結,理性的「意識我」未能坦然處理,但潛意識會頑強地回應,在夢境向你發出私信。這類樽頸私信不時出現,直到「意識我」有所領悟才會停止。

 第三種夢是Carl Jung提出的原型夢,觸及collective unconscious(集體潛意識),指向普世及原祖的archetypes(原型),例如夢見英雄、探索者、智人等等。這些巨龍、大將軍、古人,脫離夢者的現實經驗。 Jung說這可能來自集體潛意識。原型夢被不少人批評為「純屬猜想、難以實證」。我自己亦有疑惑,從來沒有經驗過這種夢,只能在此存疑不論了。

 這幾個月,香港滑入情緒深淵,市民經常面對恐怖衝突,full gear暴警衝入維園、商場、屋苑、食肆、甚至民居。 「警慌」由「公域」深入「私域」,自然會闖入夢境。直播充斥嘶喊之聲,地上遺下鮮血黏液,倒地者痛苦呻吟。設計師、攝影師、藝術家,把各種暴力像徵投射出來,港人浸淫在暴力的氣氛與符號之中。陰暗屈辱的氛圍,觸發普及的情緒低氣壓,到一個難以承受的重力,或會沉入集體潛意識,而那些強烈的情緒,又會以大家可以承受的間接符咒,在普及的夢境發洩出來。

 以暴力切入,討論dream work的基本原理,同時窺探香港面對的集體噩夢。在朋友圈問一下,警察有否入夢?反應十分熱烈,收回來的,大都可以歸納為上文的第一種日常夢,日間的恐慌,在夢中梳理、宣洩。有人夢見北洋軍閥拿八達通「嘟閘」衝入香港。又有人在警察未闖巴士前一個禮拜,已夢見防暴警在巴士上層大搜捕。不少噩夢是在街上喪跑,有些是完全見不到警察,只是直覺周圍都係,跑極都跑唔完,恐懼揮之不去。

 簡單的日思夜夢,有清理門戶之效。有些夢是可以解除恐懼的,例如走投無路時「扎醒」鬆一口氣。有個小女孩在夢中大叫「我係細路!我係細路!」竟可甩身。小女孩其後補充,之後都係甩唔到身,入咗監倉,不過識到朋友,好好玩。童真化解了恐懼。又有夢見長長的被捕人龍,突然歡呼,慶祝林鄭下台。有時,不能承受的現實,在夢中變得bearable。

 T的夢比較elaborate,噩夢發生在集體想像強烈的太子站,T躲在站內廁所,等popo唔為意就偷走,但出口被封,走極都走唔出去。其實月台一個人都冇,只直覺被popo包圍。夢裏面冇人,但呼吸聲和腳步聲,周圍都係,迴音陣陣,感覺恐怖。醒後T上網check,發現太子站在2015年建廁所,她還特意到現場走了一圈。

 太子站:集體潛意識的浮標

 太子站在8‧31之後,謎團冤案,疑雲陣陣。站內暴力畫面,從途人手機及CCTV等片段可見,一動一靜,激烈又模糊。太子站出口長期有祭花、標語,折射頑強的、難以平復的懸念,很容易成為集體潛意識的一個浮標。 T很specific的說是太子站。 「地穴」下面,2015年建成廁所(避難所),也添城市傳奇的意味。夢境之中,就算是集體浮標,都一定反映夢者的個人感應,是社會當下(現在)與個人歷史(過去)的交疊。警民暴力是集體的,那個地穴裏的避難所卻是個人的,T有沒有一個逃避煩惱的私密空間呢?在過去(或將來),這個空間會不會以不同形像在夢中出現?她所逃避的,除了警暴,還有什麼個人的恐懼?

T是個「和理非」,有次還在夢中,衝上前與popo對質,說了一句她在「醒世界」一定不會說的話:「革命唔犧牲點算係革命!」日間,「理性我」會很實際地計算犧牲的代價,會約束「上前衝」的輕舉妄動。夢中約制少了,有勇氣拋出豪言壯語。這裏也側寫一個事實,市民嬲到一個點,有時內心會有勇武的衝動。 Ted夢到,有幾個防暴警,㩒住一個市民喺地上面打,他企喺上面(類似喺一樓望落地下)大嗌:「餵!黐線㗎!……」感覺好嬲,好無奈。市民憤怒,衝上前抑或留在「一樓」? 「和理」與「勇武」的糾結,夢中發洩出來。警暴猖狂,令市民不割席,願意包容勇武,夢境可見冰山一角。

 梳理樽頸發現自己

 第二種夢,則較深入夢者的個人歷史,是日間並未能清楚梳理的心理樽頸,在夢中以「聽得入耳」的方式轉達。我在夢中,抱著女兒,她還是個嬰孩,細小身體在我懷中,大頭嬰,個頭真係好大,不成比例的大(現實中我女兒已經廿多歲),身邊是太太,在油麻地上海街(我成長的地方),就在圖書館那個較空曠的彎位,催淚彈橫飛,有個汽罐擦過大頭嬰的臉,我急忙走回家的路,到處有警察封路。這時女兒肚餓,要吃奶,半哭半驚,我心一軟,但為了逃生,忍心教訓她,忍一下啦,你大個女喇,忍一下。

志常老師之所以用dream work一語,正因為夢的背後,並沒有一個靜態的標準答案,而是夢者在此時此刻,把夢裏自己那些仍未知悉的東西,慢慢由潛意識拉到意識的水面來。所以夢不是發完就發完,夢者可以work下去,發現更多的自己。

 醒來把夢記下,過幾天就記起那大頭嬰。女兒在外地出生,那時我要趕回香港,到ATV上新工,嬰孩半月大就坐飛機回港,途中太太不夠人奶,女兒在機上太餓了,喊聲震天。就是那個畫面。這幾個月,其實我和太太再討論過移民,權衡輕重,覺得人生已到六十,留在香港犧牲的代價不太大,可能面對專橫政權會難受,但仍然有事可作為,為香港做一些微小但有意義的事,比移民他鄉更適合我們兩老。我settle了自己,但老實講,我還未認真了解女兒的想法。她是去是留?對此我是擔心的。這個樽頸位,就以大頭嬰的信息轉達出來。

 夢見「希魔」深入困境源頭

 第三種夢關於原型。如上文所說,我不盡信Jung的分析(或說,未有識見及閱歷去理解collective unconscious)。 Dora是大學老師,發了一個她一生最心寒的噩夢。她平日算是冷靜的一種人,與她交往有踏實的安定感。夢中,在大課堂,她化作白種外國人,聽眾也是外國人(不過她說廣東話)。她感到希特勒臨在課堂,正如上文的一些夢,看不見其人,只感受到希魔的氣場。聽眾之中有她的同事,也有一些她覺得是會告發她的人。她的演說包含敏感材料,室內監控的氛圍,令她透不過氣。她特意把PowerPoint的次序臨場更改,把最敏感的slide轉放在第一張,爭取時間宣讀出來。

 很快跳接下一個場景,她離開課室,在乘纜車(仍在外國,似是德國,厚重的灰雲天)。她遇到一個小女孩,穿紅裙,站在路邊望住她,頭上有鮮紅色的髮夾,看不清形狀,但確定是一個新啟用的徽章。 Dora看見呆滯的小女孩,覺得一陣悲涼。希魔全程都在,給Dora不寒而慄的恐慌。

 她夢醒之後,驚慄仍揮之不去。希特勒、外國人,正合Jung原型夢的特性(超乎夢者的日常及歷史時空)。但和Dora討論,那並不確定是典型的集體潛意識。 Dora從歷史書、電影及common sense的記憶庫中,可以提取能量與資源作為夢的材料。夢的細節雖然無厘頭,但不難理解。大致可以確定是政治審查。作為老師的她,可以因為踏入言論禁區,而承擔她測不透的後果。小女孩也寄託了她的悲傷,不知道下一代會變成怎樣,同時包涵了對學生的戒心。

 夢的啟示不單在於尋找secret meaning。 Dora的夢,意思不難理解,但有三方面可以一談。一、比起上兩種「夢警」,此夢更深入香港困境的源頭。暴力可怕,但更可怕是背後的納粹極權,對人權與思想的控制,及打造新一代「小納粹」的悲劇。事實上,香港街頭,已出現「Chinazi」標語;極權壓境,已是不少人的集體恐慌。

 二、Dora在工作坊把夢簡述了兩次。由於我腦海中的Dora,平日十分淡定,所以不時問她,「依家仲驚唔驚?」奇怪的是,在「夢作坊」的活動過程,Dora有時說唔驚,又有時突然毛骨悚然。我領悟到,所謂dream work,能令夢對自身的影響更為鬆動,「可驚可唔驚」,提高控制和自覺的能力。

 三、「希魔」存在於現代人共有的記憶庫。 Dora在夢中面對這個強大人物,她以怎樣的姿態回應呢? Jung的archetypes之中,有hero、caregiver、seeker、rebel、sage、joker……Dora的性格傾向哪一種原型?她也可以自問,她有沒有勇武氣質做反叛者?她是不是一個caregiver關懷警暴之下的受害者?

 上文談及三種夢境,無論是在日常生活,或是危機時刻,夢都蘊含豐富的能量資源。夢裏,被排斥、被壓抑的感情浮現出來,正如志常老師所說,若我們捉住夢的尾巴,那些夢中的符號與感受,可以變成一個一個handle,助我們把門推開,接觸內在的力量,在困難中繼續前行。

  分享噩夢,參與dream work:ericmakitwai@gmail.com


 編輯//林曉慧

 fb﹕http://www.facebook.com/SundayMingpao

Tuesday, November 12, 2019

A Taxi Driver's Story

先生從她姐姐家裡清理遺物,找到我曾經寫給她的信, 裡面有我的一些文章,

先生讀了,很感動。其中一篇, 登載在2010年3月的明報:

A Taxi Driver's Story 





Date: 19-3-10


In a short journey by taxi to Central, to my surprise, the taxi driver started a conversation with me that I can't forget – so much about his family. His story came to me as a complete revelation as it redefined happiness for modern people In the materialistic 21 century.

The driver is already over 70 years old. When he told me his age, I simply couldn't believe it. His voice was as young as that of a man in his 40s and his response to the traffic conditions was just perfect. He is But I guess he was in need of money for he was working at night, which was undoubtedly tough. However, I was soon to find out that the old man in front of me was not a poor retiree but a self-made millionaire. He used to be a sailor, a bus driver, a policeman and he already owned two flats in his twenties; now he is the owner of several flats rented out and a father with four children who are all independent with Shining careers in different fields.

Unfortunately, with whole-life struggling for wealth, working day and night to raise the four children, the old parents' return from some of their children was unbelievably cold. During this Chinese New Year, they didn't send any greeting words home, Let alone visit the two elderly parents or give them money regularly. Worse still, when this old driver was lying in a hospital due to an accident, his eldest daughter, who was working in the same hospital as a head nurse, didn't take I look at him. I was shocked. "Ask her to watch Echoes of the Rainbow?" I instantly thought of the hot movie and advised him. "No use, nothing works!" he was in dismay. I thought it was probably like An iceberg for a long time between the two generations. The iceberg has been like invisible needles torturing him all the time.

What's more, when the mother was suffering liver failure and desperately needing a donation from her daughter, see refused without a second thought. Fortunately his youngest son immediately came to the rescue by donating half of his liver to Mother. The driver was a bit relieved He was found to speak me that the youngest was also a brilliant IT man. He was so filial a son that he had given the old father a supplementary Visa card as soon as He got a job after graduation.

At this moment, he was tearing up, speechless. But soon, he cheered himself up by turning to another topic, which surprised me as much. I was astounded to know that he was good at gambling! No matter which type it was, Mark Six, Horse racing or the casino, he claimed he would win money if he did his homework. He seems to take his luck for granted. He considered driving a taxi as kind of killing time. Seemingly money was never an issue for him.

""What what, we have assigned all of our property to them equally no matter how they treat me and Mother. It’s as if we own them."

"What? Will you give your property to your unkind daughter?" I chased him up on this question eagerly. "Why not"? He said peacefully. Suddenly a flow of 'electric current' heated my body. From this great father, I Suddenly realized what unconditional love meant.

I was able to arrive. I wanted to give my best wishes to him when I said "Thank you" to him wholeheartedly. I got out of the car, but my inner conversation with him was still going on. I was in empathy with the Ihad a deep feeling that no matter how rich in wealth and strong in character, he was a sad man to some extent. But he seems to advise me to learn something from him: That's Life - don't be too serious about it, take it easy. Then you will be more sustainable and happier in your life journey.

That night, I felt laden with his mixed feelings and mine – Saddened by his story? Or relieved to see his strength despite something breaking his heart and alternating hurting him? ... A chain of questions twisted through my mind. But one thing is certain: As we are living in a world where it is a general belief that more money means more happiness, this real-life story reveals that true happiness is built out of a good understanding and a warm relationship within families.

A sense of enlightenment struck me – I am even more inclined to believe that family with love and understanding is the foundation of happiness.

I came to understand the old driver better suddenly: on one hand, the unwanted relationships with his children exasperate him; on the other hand, life has to go on. Being optimistic is always better than being pessimistic...

Yes, tomorrow is another day.

Best wishes, Mr. Driver.

Donna



今天读起来,再一次提醒我们

WHAT IS HAPPINESSS?

想起最近Kelvin談到哈佛大學的調查實驗,持續了70多年,人在不同年紀最關心,最重要的是什麼?

來到70多歲,人最關心的是和家人的連結。幸福是源於家人的愛和自己愛自己的能力。
越多連​​結,越多愛,人的心理健康些,壽命都長些!



“幸福樂齡族 義工組招募暨啟動禮”的感悟

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2019/11/blog-post_48.html




Sunday, November 10, 2019

整理遗物中的哀伤处理

姑姐已经走了两年多。




最近一年,我先生家人开始处理她姐姐的遗物和清理房子。

目睹一件件东西,情感上,都会触动和牵连。每次回家,都筋疲力尽。

我感受到她的哀思和怀念,也感受到他开始慢慢通过整理和丢掉东西,一个断舍离,和哀伤断舍离的过程,也是一个学习经验教训的过程,很不容易。

这位大姐姐从小就失眠,要靠安眠药度过每一个夜晚。有购物狂的心理症状。所以,东西特别多。

我从中感到,一个人走后要尽量不给人添麻烦,就要首先处理掉。
我先生说:不要病的火红火绿的时候才去做,太迟了!

一个很好的提醒,断舍离,是每一天的工作,是健康的人生态度和生活方式。

先生昨天回来,身体很疲累,如同往常,但很有能量似的,很兴奋的告诉我:

他在姐姐家里发现我给她写的信件和一些文章分享,

 裡面有我的一些文章, 先生讀了,很感動。其中一篇, 登載在2010年3月的明報:A Taxi Driver's Story 
https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2019/11/a-taxi-drivers-story.html


原来她发现:姐姐将它们保存的很好,我非常惊讶,每次寄给她后,我都会打电话follow,和她一起分享,听听她的回应和回馈。

先生兴奋的说:你的文采真棒!还是第一次听到老公这样赞美我的文章,虽然写的并非有什么文采。


他说:他在姐姐的室内,一个人坐下来慢慢细读,对我理解和理解也多了,他说,原来你对我姐姐那么关心。

第一次听到他这方面的赞美,我很欣慰。

第一次,我和他可以坐下来分享我为什么要和姐姐分享这些文章,为什么要写信给她,是一种心理疗愈。

我还分享和他的姐姐做的催眠解梦个案。

姐姐很不容易进入放松状态,很tense,梦境令她很迷惘,紧张的心情可以理解。

梦境是关于住院,梦中她的头上长了一个瘤,很痛。

她被安排到男病房,于是她大吵大闹,要搬!

..........

解开这个梦境,她放松不少,明白自己的潜意识提醒她身体出现问题,很多坏习惯要尝试戒掉!

之后,姑姐就进入医院了,出出入入,因为肝癌...

我曾经和她分享这篇文章,将《無我抗爭》这本书送给姑姐,她在医院里细读,很喜欢华山的书,看到很多童年的回忆和如何父母的连结,她说,很有力量!

華山寫給母親的信

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2016/11/blog-post_18.html


先生曾经很我气愤地说我:连姑姐都搞不定,还帮别人做心理工作干嘛?

我没有生气,因为我知道我做了一些工作,但还不够。

现在,先生发现我在背后为姐姐做了不少,很感动,我得到一些鼓励。

我最开心的是他很细心的去读那些文章,其中一篇是我送给他的:

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2018/12/the-journey-of-marriage.html

The Journey of Marriage


渴望和他白头到老,As life is short and things change perpetually, we ought to treasure every single day no matter whether it is memorable or ordinary, joyful or dire.

先生用清理遗物,一步步和自己做哀伤处理,一步步的成长。



我打从心底为他和我自己开心。

Reference

懷念姑姐,从中成長

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2017/04/blog-post_6.html




10 11 2019

















Saturday, November 9, 2019

Squash plus Wonderful Sharing

5號那天,我和Jenny度過一個 難忘的壁球運動和heart to heart sharing,感覺真的非一般的放鬆, 從身體到心理。


一直想找Jenny 打球。今天找到打SQUASH的好拍檔,真的好開心



打壁球是很好的帶氧運動,一個鐘頭下來,人都輕鬆曬。



壁球完畢,我們的傾談重點在GRIEF MANAGEMENT, 哀傷處理的課題。



什麼是哀傷?

我們開始覺得哀傷是對任何失去的東西的不捨,依念和沒有適應的心理狀態。

a kind of strong attachment to a lost one or thing.

Jenny 和我都很認同這個概念。其實面對失去,是学习 The Art of Loss 的过程, 是一種人生態度,是生命必经之路。

我想起Jenny在感悟生命電影工作坊裡的分享:

死亡的課題令人沉重,要跨越死亡,要從日常生活開始,每天我們可能都會失去什麼,如工作,地位,財富, 健康,身體的功能、能力...這些都是一個rehearsal of facing death.

还有电影《永遠的愛麗絲》在工作坊的分享
https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2017/03/still-alice-movie-my-sharing.html

“我的昨天在消失了,我的明天不确定,我為每一天而活了。我活在這一刻。我會忘記我站在你面前,並發表演講。但因為我明天會忘記一些,並不意味著我今天不可以活在當下。我今天也會忘記一些,但這並不意味著今天對我不重要。

“我的昨天消失了,我的明天是不確定的,我可以做的,就是活在這一刻。

“當另一半走了之後”


Thank you Jenny for sharing me such powerful case study video and good material for life and death education.

我们大家都很有共鳴和啟發。


【完整版】什麼道理?當另一半走了之後20190815(於美人、鄧惠文、許常德、許睿光)


經歷親友離世後的悲傷故事,令人揪心,也令人佩服和感動,加上導師們的分析,他們的親生經歷和指導,幫助我們理解哀傷和陪伴哀傷者,很有幫助。

他們的故事和分享,啟迪我们:

💡首先要感受自己的感受,才能有選擇如何用適合自己的方式去表達哀傷,度過哀傷。而表達式關鍵

💡道別道愛道謝道歉,可以預防過度哀傷導致的憂鬱症

💡給與時間,度過哀傷,每個人時間不同

💡失落,空洞,空虛,失去連結,每個人的那部分可能不同,但不少人都有一種自責和內疚,不讓自己開心,自我傷害,認為憂鬱是一種與先人連結的方式。

💡走出哀傷,可以這樣想 - 反轉思維,或逆向思維:

要move forward, 好好的活,好好的過日子,透過自己的生命,把先人的生命延長下去。老師說出我的心裡話。

我感受到:

哀傷是必經之路,但我們有選擇去化悲傷為力量,去成長,因為我們需要過正常的生活。

💡空洞的感覺:是一種失去、失落和沒有依靠,沒有安全感的狀態。

那麼,如果可以在潛意識建立一個內在的父親,內在的母親,內在的親友,他們時時刻刻都在我們心中,他們的精神時時刻刻都陪伴我們,面對困難,享受生活,空洞感就會消失,相信自己的潛意識是想自己好,幸福快樂,那就隨著這個勢去做吧!

以下是我的 copying strategy and attitude:

雖然我physically我見不到爸爸了,
但每一個公伯伯都可以是我的爸爸,
我可以去愛他們,好像是愛我的爸爸一樣。
雖然我失去了爸爸,但他的精神一直在陪伴著我,
感覺就在身邊一樣,这种失去和得到,很微妙,很温馨,又很特别,感觉是一种内在的沟通,心灵上和爸爸的链接,内在给自己一个像爸爸的ideal father, a spiritual father,a forever,eternal father, without age limit.  
https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2017/12/2.html

建構內在的爸爸 (1)

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2017/12/blog-post_19.html

💡 於美人老師講青海藏族人失去自己的孩子那段特別特別感動我。

如果不放手,不放下,你的孩子也走不了,難以安息,你也會生病。
於是這位爸爸就把孩子放在黃河上,讓他隨著河水飄走

我想起基督教說到,讓小溪把我們帶到大海,匯合到愛的海洋,愛的天堂

又聯想到我的夢境治療中常常看到的情況,人們夢見親人,有悲傷,大哭,一次又一次的創傷;

有驚喜,但最後是責備自己的夢境為什麼要玩我。

還有一個非常非常震撼的夢境,就和於老師講的一樣,孩子一次次在梦中出现,担着两桶泪水,说: 爸爸,那么悲伤,把自己关起来,我很不放心。你过好自己, 我就可以上天堂了。

如果不肯放手,離開的人無法安息,自己也無法安頓。
這是非常理性的, 所以我覺得夢境可以很有智慧,理性和感性並重
來療癒我們,特別是在困難逆境的時候

孩子你放心地走吧
我會把哀傷化為祝福和期待
祝福您去到更好的地方,愛❤❤的天堂。
我們期待見面時,我是一個更好的自己

💡最後那個個案,Amy用自責來和先生連結,令她繼續活著,是她度過哀傷的選擇,需要尊重。

但老師們都一致認為,這是很累的,會垮下來的,還是要去面對,做心理諮詢

 最後許老師的話語重心長,我好喜歡,好好的回味亲人的美好记忆,记下来,让爱的记忆把自己填的满满的。这样,才配得上亲人。

这正是我這幾年,特別是爸爸走後我常常做的事情:那就是每次回憶离世的人们,奶奶、婆婆,爸爸,姑姐,同学的點點滴滴,寫出他們的生命故事。

写作之旅,自己從中回味、反思、學習、感受他們的经验和教訓,或者是我們大家的共同记忆,然後分享出來,提醒自己,激勵自己,我相信,可以感動我的就可以感動很多人。


這樣,才不叫親人白白過一生,白白離去,才配得上親人給我的陪伴和言傳身教。

婆婆的故事 HAPPINESS CAN BE VERY SIMPLE......

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2016/11/blog-post_25.html

最近我写下:

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2019/10/blog-post_14.html

In Father's Special Days 今天是爸爸87歲“生日”。也是他離開近三週年。又想起一些小故事...


如何處理和陪伴別人度過哀傷:

這次分享,回到家裡,我腦海裡浮現這幾年的實踐經歷,歸納幾個方法:

Copy strategy on grief management

1 before death, prevent trauma happens by

4 E

Expression of love,

Expression of apology

Expression of thanks

Expression of farewell


2
after beloved one death, acknowledging grief, be aware of feeling and practice 4 E into subconscious level, truly connect with beloved ones beyond death and life boundaries

3
 step over death boundaries, prevent the black holes to trap self in own prison

想像親人的精神根本沒有離開,

活現在自己身上,同行

延續他們的生命,透過自己

把愛他們的心,去愛身邊的人,

把親人給你的愛,銘記心裡,傳給更多人

媽媽和洪潮豐的夢境治療,走出哀伤的经验:

解夢,尋找生命的支撐力 ( 媽媽走出哀傷憂鬱)

和洪潮豐老師解夢探索之旅 (2)


4

通常有哀傷,是因為之前沒有處理好親人的關係或沒有講出要講的心裡話,內疚和遺憾,或夾雜著失落,沒有支撐,憤怒,恐懼等情緒。

我會通過heart to heart hypnosis conversation 和催眠治療, 讓個案:

 表達要表達的

感謝要感謝的

反思要反思的

原諒要原諒的

道歉要道歉的

和解要和解的

學習要學習的

看到要看到的

聽到要聽到的

最終是和自己連結

聽聽

內心真的需要什麼

身體需要什麼

自己喜歡成為怎樣自己

想想離開的親人想要你怎樣活,

live well

live happily

live up your dreams

跨越哀傷,以上幾方面,不同人可以選擇自己適合的方式


哀傷處理,move forward

四個小時的傾談,催眠治療的力量:
https://happinesshealthdw.blogspot.com/2018/06/move-forward.html



这次分享完畢,我馬上寫下一些觸動:

今天的分享chatting, 很focus,相當deep,特別是哀傷的課題。

如何走出哀傷,move forward, 如何將our loved one left 導致的創傷減到最低,如何避免後創傷症,如憂鬱,狂躁或各種身體上的症狀?

我們的討論,我感覺哀傷導致的憂鬱是可以預防的,預防更重要。

每年或每天我們都在退化,aging,失去一些,把一個個不可控制的,不想發生的事情看成是平常事,人生的路徑,每個人必須經歷,接納它們,適應它們,就多一些彈性,哀傷的impact就可以大大降低。

親人離世,更是巨大的失去,其中一個減少痛苦的方法,就是活出親人的遺願,延長親人的生命,透過自己的生命。

這幾年都在哀傷治療的課題上學習和實踐。面對生老病死,家人的離世,哀傷和悲痛,往往是在事情發生前就開始了。

又想起Jenny的EAGLE DREAM

幾年前Jenny爸爸離開,之後,養了十幾年的狗狗也離開,貓貓也患癌症。她的這個夢,給Jenny帶來極大的震撼,死亡是什麼?害怕離開?愛的力量,可以化解死亡的哀傷和恐懼!

Jenny這個夢幫助我準備如何面對哀傷,如何面對生老病死的挑戰,所以,當年,我就把這個夢境當成自己的夢境來消化,學習!

Eagle dream 的 value 對我的影響好大,是的,夢境的另一個insight, 是要我們回歸內在,找到內在的家。還有就是生命的永恆,在於愛,親人,寵物活在心中





幾年前這個夢解的過程和insights,給我上了宝贵的一課 - 通過夢境來做心理準備 - 面對親友的生老病死。

Within the two years, our Wongs families have 5 people left. That is why I continuously need to enhance myself, to empower family members to overcome grief.

I visited them in hospitals and homes, before and after their death. I comforted them and wrote memory article for each deceased relatives.

其實我覺得,rest in peace 不只是我們活著的人對離世親友的一種心願,也是離世親友對活著的人的遺願 - 你們要活得更好啊!

帶著這種情感和理性去面對自己的哀傷和陪伴別人走出哀傷,都是那麼有力量。有激勵作用。

這是我這幾年的深切感受。

WHAT IS REST IN PEACE?

以下文章,我總結了自己一些體驗和啟發:

懷念姑姐,从中成長

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2017/04/blog-post_6.html


COCO - 飛躍夢境與靈界 

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2018/01/blog-post_25.html

如何陪同哀傷的朋友走出憂鬱
https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2017/07/blog-post_66.html

我很認同Jenny談到的接納別人面對哀傷的情緒或做法,每個人都有自己的節奏和步伐, 要尊重和耐心的陪伴。

再談情緒病


有些人和哀傷一生一世或“falling in a sad love ” with grief, as they need the attachment to live without. 如果哀傷可以是那麼美麗,那也不妨,但可怕的是哀傷後遺症 - depression, diseases and damaging family relationship !

But life is choice. Everyone just need to be responsible for their choice.

I mentioned some examples, in which, people become easily anger or gloomy because of past accumulated grief , never really faced, solved. Or even they don't realize this is a problem , despite their emotion affecting their relationship, happiness to some extent.


一位情緒病人的自白 9 8 2018
https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2018/08/blog-post_13.html


當哀傷成為社會大課題

這次社會運動,我對哀傷的理解也開闊很多。

當今香港面對生死問題,哀傷問題愈來愈多,每當有人因為這場運動而犧牲或各種原因死亡,人們的情緒就會高漲和奔潰,哀傷導致的憤怒和震撼,社會性撕裂。背後非常複雜...

所以,哀傷一直是一個大課題,從個人,到家庭,到社會。

如何停止暴力,成為最為挑戰的課題!

政府固然要付很大的责任,這不是政府獨自可以解決的,需要每一個人的理智、合作、包容、善良和慈悲..否則,暴力、流血、不必要的犧牲 ,繼續而來。

Of course, the ultimate solution is to find the root causes and to reach compromised ending.

Reference:

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/20f18/04/blog-post_5.html

陪伴一位醫生走出哀傷的故事



p.s.

I also shared a bit on my discovery how to use subconscious magic power. Here is the details:

身體的說話

My sharing on ideomotor reflex
https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2019/11/blog-post_3.html

Active Imagination, lucid dreams, Sleep Dreams

https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2019/10/more-resourceful-but-in-first-place-one.html

醫生如何面對家人的生老病死 ( 醫生故事三)
http://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2018/05/blog-post_74.html
醫生也是人,當家人有病不能醫好,怎樣看待? 如何轉化自己的心態,如何用自己的心態影響別人,以生命影響生命?


https://www.donnadreamhypnosis.com/2018/04/move-forward.html

10 11 2019





愛情、情親與追夢的故事

《牛下女高音》的回响

《牛下女高音》寫的好好,真實,樸實,細膩的描繪出中年人的特徵,夢想,不知不覺,也成為鍾Sir 和這些可愛的合唱團團員的fans。

《明报》9 11 2019

牛下女高音》劇情圍繞7名中佬的故事似曾相識,就像身邊的朋友,總有一個在附近。
每个人的爱情和家庭关系的处理,都是我们生活中的一部分,所以和颇有亲切感。

吳岱融慶幸今次遇到好劇本、好角色、好對手,還首次嘗試主唱劇集插曲,雖然未至於覺得是遲來的春天,卻已當拿到獎一樣安慰。對於「大爆」這個「畏妻」角色,吳岱融解釋:「其實只是愛惜太太的表現,不想太太擔心自己。」這種心態與現實中的他甚為相似,「我認同『大爆』,不想老婆不開心,盡可能報喜不報憂,麻煩事遲一日讓她知,就少一日擔心,這是我與『大爆』的共通點,不會將不開心帶回家」。

 夫妻感情昇華不受誘惑


 不經不覺,吳岱融與太太鍾淑慧結婚24年,夫婦恩愛經常耍花槍,「太太見我為戲中太太靜怡(龔慈恩)揼骨呷醋,於是回家便衝過去幫她揼」。對於外邊誘惑,他說:「靚女是會望,但去到一定年紀,同太太感情已相當穩定,清楚知道她好惜我,為我付出好多,所以我也緊張她,怕她不開心,所以不會亂來。」



相處多年,夫妻間總有拗撬,吳岱融通常會主動讓步,為𧨾老婆開心,他還有絕招,「老婆好簡單,多讚她就得,煮得唔好食都要講好食。平日我衣著配襯都由她決定,好信任她對時裝的眼光;如果家中有壞燈、廁所有問題等粗重工夫,就由我負責」。多為對方設想及欣賞優點,生活上互補不足,讓感情細水長流,就是吳岱融維繫婚姻之道。




《牛下女高音》劇情圍繞7名中佬的故事似曾相識,就像身邊的朋友,總有一個在附近。
每個角色的愛情和家庭關係,都有我們生活的影子,頗有親切感。
演大爆的吳岱融感慨的說:多讚美,多欣賞,多為對方設想。生活上互補不足,讓感情細水長流,是婚姻成功之道。


 多讚美是繫婚姻之道
很少看電視劇,但偶爾看到好的,勵志又好多啟示,很驚喜!



《牛下女高音》裡面看到的夫妻關係,非常貼地寫實。很有共鳴。很多時候出現衝突,其實不是不愛對方,而是期望對方用自己的方式來愛自己,或用自己的方式來愛對方。這是出於童年和成長的經歷,慢慢建立起自己的價值觀和偏好。如果一味堅持自己的方式,又是自找死路。如何把別人喜歡的方式來愛別人和自己,又把自己喜歡的方式來愛別人和自己,兩者之間取得平衡,真是一生的磨合和修煉。(2)

回想结婚29年,还在摸索,大家的健康和性情随着年纪变化,重要的是爱的连结不变,才能聚焦在共同點,而不是差異和缺點。

每天都是新開始。

https://www.facebook.com/donnawinter2000/posts/10215348996863630





夫妻之間,情侶之間,如何把對方喜歡的方式來愛對方和自己,又把自己喜歡的方式來愛對方和自己,兩者之間取得平衡,真是一生的磨合和修煉。結婚29年,還在摸索,大家的健康和性情隨著年紀變化,重要的是愛的連結不變,才能聚焦在共同點,而不是差異和缺點。(2)


人到中年,
也有渴望和初衷。 不要讓夢想成為遺憾和空想, 呈著還有精力和熱情, 做自己最想做的事情。 這一班中老, 衝破重重障礙,走上舞台, 背後好多付出和家人支持 聽聽他們唱的歌,好想哭 - 太感動。

King Sir 扮演的校長《在牛下女高音》和舊
生們的交談,如春風化雨,每次都給觀眾啟迪:
校長認為:兩人有矛盾,如果大家都鬥小氣,只有死路一條,要斗大量。只有心胸開闊,求同存異,接納別人的性格和作風(不等於認同),就可以開出康莊大道給大家行,共創雙贏。 (1)

King Sir 扮演的校長在《牛下女高音》和舊生們的交談,如春風化雨,每次都給觀眾啟迪。校長認為:兩人有矛盾,如果大家都鬥小氣,只有死路一條,要斗大量。只有心胸開闊,求同存異,接納別人的性格和作風(不等於認同),就可以開出康莊大道給大家行,共創雙贏。 (1)